Kellan's Journey to Gaining faith

Kellan’s Journey to Gaining Faith

I became pregnant at the beginning of January 2017. My husband and I had talked often about when was the right time to have another baby. We both decided we would not try to have a baby, we would go on about our life and when God felt we was ready, he would bless us with a child.

I knew very early on I was pregnant, way before taking any tests. I also knew we would be having a boy, almost as if God spoke to me and told me. A few weeks later it was time to take a test, the first few were faint positives. I became obsessed with the positive lines, I could not help but buy more and more.

Two days later I went to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy. The nurse looked at me and asked, “When was your last missed period?” I looked at her for a minute and said, “Well I haven’t missed it yet”. I received some funny looks in that doctor office, but they tested me anyways.

I sat waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me the news, I began thinking about the what ifs. What if I am not pregnant, what if it is all a lie. I began praying to God asking him to let it be true, because from the moment I knew in my mind I was pregnant God told me he had special plans for this child’s life. I wanted nothing more, but to see who this child would become, and how he would work for God.

Soon enough the doctor came in and she said, “Well you are pregnant, but it is faint so you are very early.”

A few days later I received a call from the doctor saying my lab work had come back and my HCG levels were low and I would need to come in for more blood work. I didn’t know what this meant, I never had this issue with my daughter.

I was very afraid I would end up miscarrying this wonderful child. A few more days had passed for the doctor to call back and say the levels were rising, but were still low so I would need to come back in again for more bloodwork to see if they were still rising. Through some prayers and time the levels would rise to where they need to be.

We received our first ultrasound, our precious baby was very small, but I couldn’t help but fall in love with that child. We returned a month later to see this child had grown, at that appointment the nurse checked me for the heartbeat.

She tried for a good few minutes and could not find it, then she said I can’t find it. I am going to go get another nurse and let her check. I was left all alone and almost broke down in tears of the reoccurring thought of possibly miscarrying this precious gift.

I immediately began texting family telling them to stop what they was doing and pray, as I did myself. I prayed harder than I ever had before, begging God to just let me keep this child, let me see it grow up to serve you. The next nurse came in and tried to hear the heartbeat. All she was picking up was mine, which was elevated due to being so scared.

Then came in the doctor with a mobile ultrasound machine after a few minutes we not only heard, but saw the heartbeat going across the screen. It was a huge sigh of relief for me, and doctor assured me from very on I had a super active little baby. Soon after that my husband had bought an at home gender test, which was said to be one hundred percent accurate.

I took it, I let him and my daughter see first, I wanted them to see before I did. Of course it said we was having a sweet little girl.

My first thought was my husband only makes girls, followed by disappoint because I had just knew it was a boy. At the same time I was excited, because we had picked out the name Maeleigh.

I had never heard of the name until I saw it on Pinterest. We immediately knew it was perfect. Both my husband and I had grandmothers named “Mae” and our daughters name has “Leigh” in it so it just fit perfect. I knew it would make my papaw proud to name my child after his mommy.

Then we made an appointment with an ultrasound tech out of Knoxville, TN to spend time getting pictures of our baby and confirming the gender. Even though the home test said girl, I still knew in my heart it was a boy. Then there it was on the screen, I knew good and well we were having a son, but I was in so much shock I waited for the tech to tell me.

I began to laugh and tell my husband “I told you so!”

She gave us some 3d photos of our son, and in every one he had his little butt sticking out. I couldn’t help but fall in deep love with him, I probably stared at his pictures the whole way home.

We decided to name him Kellan Noah, which was the name we had picked out if our daughter was a boy so we kept it. One night my husband told me “Noah” just wasn’t sitting right with him, and I asked what names he had in mind.

He looked and looked around and came up with “Reid” I wasn’t sure at first for my heart was set on Noah, a biblical name. But it began to grown on me, I felt peace on the name and knew that was what we was meant to name him. So he became Kellan Reid West.

Before we knew it, it was time for us to have another ultrasound. Those are my favorite part of a pregnancy I always look forward to seeing my child each time.

The ultrasound tech seemed pleased with how he looked, she confirmed again he was a boy.

The doctor came in and explained to me his kidneys were dilated. Which could mean he either hasn’t emptied his bladder yet and they got backed up, or something else is wrong with them.

Then they began to explain my fluid inside the sac is measuring more than it should be. The amount is measuring what a 30 week woman would have in her sac and I am only twenty two weeks along. Then they broke the news to us all of these things are soft markers for potential down syndrome.

My heart sunk, as any mother you wish for nothing more than your child to live a perfectly healthy life. But I knew God had plans for this child’s life, and I just thought maybe this is part of it.

I was okay with it if he would have downs, Kellan would be perfect regardless. So that began all the testing, after heavy praying the tests came back beyond perfect, my numbers grew better and better each time, showing down syndrome wasn’t even an option for this child. But they insisted for me to have amniocentesis done due to it being 100% accurate.

I immediately said no without even thinking. Why did I say no?

Because who wants a four inch needle being stuck into your sensitive belly. Who wants a needle being close to their unborn child?

I had heard stories of the amnio causing miscarriages in their children, and I did not want to be held responsible for my child’s death. If my child was meant to have down syndrome the amniocentesis would not change him.

The doctor told me this causes me to become high risk, something I am far too familiar with.

I was pleased, because I knew they would keep a close eye on me. This meant I would receive an ultrasound each doctor appointment to check on his kidneys and my fluid.

Who could argue with that? I was absolutely tickled to see him so much.

Why fit in when you were born to stand out?

-Dr.Seuss

The next ultrasound went the same, his kidneys were still dilated, and I still had excess fluid, which explained why I looked like I was carrying twins.

They also explained to me something was wrong with his heart, it didn’t look right and we would be sent to a pediatric cardiologist the remainder of our pregnancy. It did not surprise me, for the fact of my first cousin was born with vsd, bicuspid valve, and a cohartation of the aorta. Requiring surgery at less than two weeks of age.

Our third ultrasound came up following all of this horrific news. The doctors were shocked, I could see true happiness on their faces as they told me somehow his kidneys have went back to normal, as well as my fluid.

I knew this was the work of God.

I have had so many people praying for my boy I knew he had heard them. Because where two or three are gathered in his name, he is in the midst.

Next came our first visit with the Pediatric Cardiologist. He spent a good thirty minutes studying my son’s heart, getting all the pictures he possibly could. He then explained to us that my son had vsd (heart murmur).

He told us he would need surgery to close it when he is near three to four months of age. No parent wants to hear something is wrong with your child, especially when it deals with the heart. I did not like it, but had no choice but to accept it.

I knew we had months until he was born, and through great prayer he could be healed and not need any surgery. Soon came another visit with the heart doctor. He again spend time looking at my sons heart, then told me not only did he have a heart murmur, but his left artery is on the right side of the heart.

Due to this he will need surgery when he is no more than two weeks of age. My heart sunk and I wanted to burst into tears right then.

Why do you ask? Because he would be taken to nicu immediately after birth. After having one child spend eighteen days in the nicu you do not want to go back, it is a terrifying place to be.

This surgery would mean they would have to temporary stop my son’s heart, then jump start it back. Which scares the life out of me as his mother, knowing your child’s heart will temporarily be stopped for who knows how long.

Will they have success in starting it back? Will he have any brain damage for lack of oxygen to his brain during the time his heart is stopped?

I began to cry my eyes out and ask God what I had done wrong to deserve my child go through this. I begged God everyday several times a day to spare my child’s life, heal him, and let us bring him home with no health issues.

Before all of this, I would pray too God, not everyday but often.

I had strayed away from God. It is never easy to admit when you stray away from your father.

I felt I had been punished for straying away from him and my church family. One night I found myself praying to God, asking forgiveness for all the sins I had committed, even down to falling out of church.

I begged him to help me get back in church not only for my sake but for my children and husbands sake. After that night I found myself praying to God more and more, each time was over the health of my son.

Not long after that I could feel Gods arms wrapped around my child. Let me be the first to tell you there’s not better feeling than being pregnant and feeling your son being wrapped up safe in Gods arms.

Each time I would go to church I would dread going. My daughter was the one that would run all around the church, playing the piano, crawling under the pews, darting out the door because she could finally reach the door knob.

I dreaded going because only my daughter and I go. I felt I didn’t get to listen to the message, I was going there to do nothing but chase her around. I felt it was almost pointless to go.

But I knew for my son’s sake I needed to go. Each time I would go, the choir would sing their hymns, or a child would get up and sing a song. My son would immediately do flips the entire time. As soon as the preacher would begin to preach he went back to doing flips.

I couldn’t help but feel a great deal of peace and happiness.

It made me want to go more, it showed me my son was a true child of God. Church members began to see I was struggling to get around the more pregnant I got. They saw my daughter was too quick, I was slow to move with my big belly in the way. They began to help me with her, they offered to take her to class so I could rest, and listen to the Sunday school teacher, and if she darted out the doors they took off after her, or held onto the door so she couldn’t get out.

They helped me watch her, and then it occurred to me, it truly takes a village to raise a child. In this case it was the help of my church family.

Then came another visit with my doctor, everything was the same as the time before, they didn’t see any alarms. But once I got to the heart doctor, he would once again study the heart.

At one visit he explained to me UT does not do heart surgery anymore so my son would be sent to Vanderbilt. He would have to be sent by ambulance, and we would have to follow. No mommy wouldn’t get to ride with her son, she would have to leave him alone as she followed behind.

They told me he would be in nicu the first month of his life.

Which means, I would have to leave my daughter in the hands of both sets of grandparents of a day, until her daddy got home from work. She would be playing, learning, eating, and going to the potty by herself, all these things I would miss out on for a whole month.

Knowing when I got back home she would have grown and looked different from the last time I had seen her. Anyone who knows me knows this is the most difficult thing I would ever go through.

Why? Because ever since I had become pregnant with her it was always me and her, Mommy and McKenleigh.

I took her to every doctor appointment, I sat with her everyday while she had a feeding tube down her mouth, hooked up to oxygen. I would sit at night and sing to her when she was sick and didn’t feel good.

Nothing makes her stop crying like mommy singing Amazing Grace.

She slept in my bed for the first year of her life. Everywhere I go everything I do she is right there.

Nothing comforts me more than her hugs, kisses, and her I love you’s.

To know I will be doing without all of that for an entire month shatters my heart. But I knew all of this was part of Gods plan.

What plan? I do not know, and I might not know for a while but I will eventually find out.

I began to pray more and more for my son. Begging God to heal his little soul. I asked often for strength, my daughter didn’t need to see her mommy cry. I began to ask any and every one I ran into to pray for my son.

Between appointments with the heart doctor, I felt peace in my heart, I felt as if God had heard my prayers and would heal him by the next appointment.

The next appointment would come and things would either get worse or not get better.

Then I truly began to wonder if God was hearing my cries. I knew he had did all of this to either get me back in church and closer to him, or to get someone close to me saved.

Even though all of this is going on, I never once blamed God for my son’s health issues. Every time I pray I explain to go I’m not mad at him, and he knows I’m not. My faith in God had grew stronger than it was.

Even though each doctor appointment didn’t go as planned I still had the upmost faith my God would welcome my son into this world perfectly healthy. I still feel this way. I have to say my faith has never been as strong as what it is now. I’ve had preachers come up to me to tell me they have been praying for my son, and while praying for him God told them to not worry he’s got this.

Of course I feel overwhelmed and break down, thanking my God for how wonderful he truly is. I began to have people reach out to me contacting me to share their stories of health issues with their babies, or family members knowing this gave me comfort having someone to talk to.

I had people donating clothing to us. I have had clients give me brand new bottles, a months’ worth full of diapers, and a brand new car seat for our son. I have even had people donate decorations to me for my son’s room, people have told me they are making things for my son then are having their church pray over it for my son.

All of these things have really humbled me. It has shown me I am not alone. It has shown me I am truly not worthy and deserving of anything God has gifted me, but through his grace and love I have received just what we have needed and more.

Even though my son’s health issues hasn’t been fully resolved. It has brought me closer to him, has shown me the amount of faith I can have in him, it has shown me how much he loves me, brought me back into church.

I don’t feel like he is done yet. He is using my son and me as a walking testimony to either bring others back to him, or bring others to him that need or want to be saved.

We only see what is in front of us, but God sees the bigger picture.

I knew from the beginning God had plans for my son, I didn’t know it would be this way, I wouldn’t wish for it to be this way. It is without a doubt very difficult to face.But I have true faith he will carry us through, for he always makes a way.